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Posts Tagged ‘Dating’

10 years ago, I was in college and my boyfriend was they guy that every girl dreams of marrying.  He was good looking, talented, had a great voice, and was one of the most amazing piano players I’ve ever heard.  He had a passion for God and a love for the things of God.  I just knew that we would get married. 

One day, my roomate mentioned something to me that I had never thought of before.  She said that it’s not God’s plan for everyone to get married.  For some people, God’s plan for them is to not get married, and that she struggled with this area in her life and she finally gave it up and told God that if He didn’t want her to get married, then she was OK with that. 

As she was telling me this, I was thinking, “wow, that’s great for you.” but I just “knew” that God’s plan for me was to get married.  Inwardly, I struggled with this for many weeks.  I knew that God wanted me to surrender this area of my life to Him, but NOT getting married?  Was I really ready to tell God that I would be OK with it if it’s what He wanted?  I wanted to be a mom, a wife, have a beautiful family.  But most importantly, I realized that I wanted what God wanted for me.

After struggling with this inwardly for weeks, we were at a church service and I knew that it was time, I had to give up this area in my life and give it completely over to God.  At the end of the service, with the man I dreamed of marrying next to me, I sat down while the Pastor was praying and started talking to God.  “God” I said “if it’s not your plan for me to get married, I’m OK with that, I want your will for me.”  I was crying, and it was the hardest prayer I have ever prayed.

From that point on, I knew that it was in God’s hands, I wasn’t on the lookout for someone to marry.  I was more concerned with what God wanted for me than with marriage.  Singleness is a gift, right?  So I embraced that gift and started my journey.

Many days, months and years passed, I met another man who seemed to be every girl’s dream.  This one was incredibly fantastic.  He took me to operas, we went on trips, he loved music, had given his life to God and we began making plans to get married. 

Shortly after we were engaged, he changed.  His temper flaired up regularly, he became abusive, and I didn’t know what had happened.  He broke things, he swore, he spent all of my money, he stopped going to church and wouldn’t let me go to church.  Shortly after that, he became sexually abusive, and in a few months, I found out that we would be having a baby.  He began telling me that he wanted to kill me, and I couldn’t take it anymore.  I never once doubted God.  God wasn’t the reason for the abuse, and my faith is what helped me through many dark days while I was in this relationship and after I called off the wedding.

It’s been almost 3 years since our relationship ended, and God has done a miracle in my heart.  He’s healed my mind and emotions, He’s brought me so much joy and laughter, I love being Grace’s mom, and I wouldn’t trade her for anything in the world. 

Several people have asked me things like “Does Grace meet the guys you date?” or “Who are you dating?” or “When are you going to start dating again.”  My answer to them has always been “I’m focused on being Grace’s mom right now, I’m not worried about dating.”  While my answer was partially true, it was also a cover up.  For awhile, I told myself that I’d never get married, then last year, I decided that I could see myself getting married “some day” but not anytime soon.

I don’t think about marriage very often, but in the last few weeks, God has been working in my heart, and I realized that I need to give up this area in my life and let God be in control.  Several times, the thought came into my mind “you need to let go and let God take control”  and I kept pushing the thought to the back of my mind or coming up with excuses like “Yea, but what if He sends me someone who’s a total geek?”   “I don’t want to go through all that again”  “I don’t want Grace to get hurt.” so, I refused to pray about it. 

Finally, I gave in just 2 days ago.  “God” I prayed, “if it’s your plan for me to get married, I’m OK with it, I just want your will for me and Grace.”  It was the second hardest prayer I’ve ever prayed.  I went to bed and I remembered the prayer I had prayed 10 years ago….It’s funny that in those days, I struggled with the possibility of not getting married and now I’m struggling with the possibility of getting married…and I am amazed at the work that God has done in my heart.

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Right now, our family is just Grace and I.  I’m not dating anyone, or even trying to date someone.  Grace is my #1 focus and priority.  Not only that, but I’m very hesitant to date right now.  Previously, I never thought that I’d be in an abusive relationship and it was just me that I had to look out for.  Now, I know the reality of being in an abusive relationship, and it’s no longer just me.  I have to look out for Grace too. 

What was it that drew me to this person?  Why didn’t I see the warning signs of abuse early in our relationship?  Will I be drawn to another abusive person in the future?

I was analyzing this the other day, and what I can tell you is that I don’t want to make the same mistake twice.  I want to be smarter, and wiser about my next serious relationship.  I heard one time that being in love creates a chemical inbalance in your brain.  It causes you for TWO years to magnify the other person’s good qualities and diminish (overlook, down play) their negative qualities in your mind.  Then once the chemicals in your brain are back in balance two years later, you wake up one day and you can’t justify why you are with this person or what drew you to them.  I don’t know if this is true, but I think it’s a good thought to keep in mind so that you don’t rush into a relationship. 

In my quest to figure out what drew me to a person who has abusive behavior, and how to not fall into the same thing again, I’ve discovered two books that have been helpful. They are both by the same authors.  The first one is “Avoiding Mr. Wrong” (and what to do if you didn’t)  10 Men Who Will Ruin Your LIfe.  The second one is “Finding Mr. Right” (and how to know when you have)  they are by Stephen Arterburn and Dr. Meg J. Rinck. 

In the first book, “Avoiding Mr. Wrong”  there is a quiz in the front of the book for you to take to discover if you are in love with Mr. Wrong, and  the book covers 10 types of men that all women should avoid, the signs that someone may be developing into one of these men, what kind of women they are interested in, what women fall for them and why, what are the chances that one of these men will change, and what can you do if you are in a relationship or are already married to one of these men. 

The book covers 10 types of men to avoid:

1.  The Detached Man
2.  The Control Freak
3. Mr. Wonderful
4. The Cowardly Lion
5. The Angry Man
6. The Mama’s Boy
7. The Deceiver
8. The Addict
9. The Eternal Kid
10. The Ungodly Man

In the second book, “Finding Mr. Right” (and how to know when you have) there is a quiz in the front entitled “Have you just about given up on looking for Mr. Right?”  The topics covered in this book are:

1. Only one Mr. Right?
2. Being Ms. Right first
3. What YOU must do to find Mr. Right
4. The woman every Mr. Right is looking for
5. Identifying Mr. Right
6. 10 Warning signs that Mr. Right could actually be Mr. Wrong
7. What makes Mr. Right, Mr. not right now
8. Right for you may be wrong for me
9. 10 Mistakes you must avoid (and what to do if you make them)
10. Once you have found Mr. Right
11. How to destroy Mr. Right and your chance to be with him
12. Twelve ways to make Mr. Right even better

These books have been eye openers for me.  After reading them, I wish that I would have found them years ago, and maybe I could have avoided some serious mistakes.  I hope you can find them at your local library, or bookstore.  You may also be able to find them at CBD.com

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